Sunday, January 23, 2011

Consuming System

The world is strong. The more i find myself in the system the more i feel the system taking hold. Worry, doubt, anger, fear, insecurity are all products of living day to day. Last night i watched "The Passion" again. It took on a new meaning than the first time. I saw the world of hierarchy totally miss who was standing in front of them. Because they were so consumed with right or wrong that presents itself in the system as choices, they missed the purity of the Son of God right in front of them. Not only that but they destroyed the Messiah thus fulfilling the prophets of old.
I sincerely pray that i do not become a product of this world. As i have tried for years to be a part of the system, i have discovered that the system is a machine that engulfs everything, strips it of it's purpose and spits it out in its wake. We have been convinced that we need to get on and play the game better than anyone so we can get the most out of it. Truth is that the rewards that the system produces do not quench and do not last, we are left with emptiness. The joy that exists from "being" satisfies. When I relax and stop trying to squeeze what i can out for my benefit, that's when i can see what actions i have been taking and what i have been squeezing. Today i choose to separate myself from the system and stop viewing it as a host to feed my hunger for material things and status. Today i want to look as the system spins and understand that the choice is mine to get on or not.  I have not done a good job of that lately. For the first time because of my lack luster performance, i do not feel a sense of failure but of victory. You see the triumph is acknowledging that the system has its pull. Because i feel the pull and know where it comes from, that means i can resist. The power is in the knowing.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011

Discovering Now

I look around at all of the captivity that I once was in. Busy going here or there. Countless hour after hour of communicating to someone about what we have done in an effort to gain understanding. I once looked to those around me to confirm that I was accepted and at the same time rejected. The tape plays over and over in my head. "They will soon know how inadequate you are, It's a matter of time before you are found out, Eventually they will see you for the failure you are". The loathing plays over and over and over and over and over again. I try to climb out of the mire to walk upright. Shame had weighed me down to the point that I could not function. Even this very compilation is referencing the past and therefore is futile. Right now the fire is going, the lights are on, i can hear the click of the keys as i touch them and this is the now. This is where life exists. Right now there are no failures, no regrets, no victories to boast about. All there is, is here. I never knew "here" existed. Time was either then or there. The constraints of time begin limiting and confining. Sweetness is breaking through to the timeless paradigm which is now. Along with the now is a sorrow for the slaves of time and the weighted down people who try day in and day out to swim but are tangled by the feet and therefore only are able to tread. For me i became weary and sank. Surrender gave way to awareness of a different way to live. One that is happening and continues to unfold. I am thankful to God for loving me so very much that he made me. I will spend my time regretfully in the system that we have built but escape every time I can to the now. In the now is all around me and always has been but I missed it. Until now.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

First Day Back

First day back. Now that i have become aware of the seperation of "self" from Being, all at once the world looks different. For years I have looked through the stained glass in an effort to find reason and meaning. All the time spent and the energy given towards trying to find the answer to life as i knew it seems to have been futile. Deep inside I know that it was not futile but only a means to an end. The pain had to become so dramatically motivating for me to search for a different way. I am thankful for the discoveries that i am making and how that is unfolding through new eyes. Even the way that I create these words have changed. Once i wrote with a purpose of the creation being viewed and what impact, if any, would the creation have on others once they viewed it. It seems today that just creating is enough. There is an overwhelming grattitude that i have, fully knowing that this world has much delight and excitement in the now. I need not worry of the past or project what is to come, that only dilutes the taste of this second. Thank you God for creating me to Be me.